Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts