Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee