i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.