It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.