[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
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I’m not lazy
Fidel Castro was alive?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I beg your pardon?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!