“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.