My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
english majors be like furthermore
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
We’ve all been there
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.