you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Sooo many times…..
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
2022 will be better than 2021
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.