One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”