When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
What the hell is going on?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.