I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.