on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that