[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”