Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house