If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Truth
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that