Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.