[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t