“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
You Might Also Like
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”