People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.