people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Received some very disappointing news today
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.