My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap