finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
White parent Vs Arab parents
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck