*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.