Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
58.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Incredible customer service.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”