Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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mom: you鈥檙e grounded for today
me: i can鈥檛 wait until i鈥檓 an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me in the future: Son, you鈥檙e going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you鈥檙e gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
馃幎 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It鈥檚 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I鈥檓 not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it鈥檚 3:75
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.