For the baby who has everything
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
is this meant to deter me
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it