*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Thrilling chase underway
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Well, that didn’t work.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken