You are not alone 💚
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible