OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I saw this ending much differently.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.