My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I have many caverns
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
the answer was staring at me all along
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.