Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.