Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
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*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I know karate and tons of other words.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.