haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
an airline just for babies.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.