Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.