[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.