My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
only 11 steps left
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED