I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.