Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Noah
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I support this random dude and all his protests
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them