I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Wednesday
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.