You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Thrilling chase underway
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.