“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You Might Also Like
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.