I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Body by Oreos
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.