Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You Might Also Like
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Lol #dogsoftwitter
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me :
All Day At Night
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.