Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Goat cheese is for herders.
me as a parent
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You’ll be OK
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.