[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
real
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
…u ok Nintendo?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.