Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
getting groceries
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”