A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
the greatest twitter interaction
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
For those that worship cheese..
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Based Erika
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
it must be school picture day