When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
You Might Also Like
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired