Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
You Might Also Like
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway