Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground